Just in case anyone is confused by the heading, the following has nothing whatsoever to do with the ageing process and all the horrible symptoms of senile decay - although, being easily distracted, forgetfulness and rudeness ... oh dear! I guess the inevitable catches up with us all.
No, instead this is something that I suspect we have all felt, that moment when you realise you have inadvertently insulted someone, failed to notice immediately and so failed to apologise, largely on the basis that it's too late now, the damage is done and to draw attention to it by saying sorry would only make it worse. And as a result, you wither, just a little, inside.
I did it to a dear friend, today! We were at school - yes, I know it's a Sunday, but it was also Harvest festival and attendance was fairly compulsory (*) - and during the coffee (you see, my memory even fails me ... it was wine, a largish glass of white; certainly too large for a Sunday morning - perhaps squiffiness is to blame for what happened next?) we were chatting about our sons and exams (i.e. the perennial subject of parents facing Upper Sixth and university applications, at this time of year, and offspring who have little idea of where they want to go, what they want to do and even littler idea of the big world out there just waiting to swallow them up). Specifically, we were discussing music theory exams and I commented that I thought Grade 8 was quite a tough qualification to achieve. Dear friend commented that she thought it wasn't to bad; she took it after all.
Now let me pause here - what was dear friend actually saying? Was she stating an honest fact - the exam indeed is not too hard? Was she trying, as nice friend's do, to reassure me that son would be fine? Or was she innocently (she is nice) putting herself down and equally innocently seeking a compliment? Whatever her motivation, I , in retrospect, got it wrong. Or at least, I think I got it wrong, as I didn't notice just how rude I had possibly been until later. I replied, "Oh! Oh, okay" and went on to talk some drivel about how I only managed to get Grade 1. And here is the origin of any misunderstanding: the quite wrong, unstated text to what I said could be 'Oh, okay, if you got it, then it can't be too hard!' And just in case that is what she thought, I later withered inside. What I should have said is "Wow! I'm impressed!" or some similar patting-on-the-back expression. But naturally and honestly avoiding any hint of amazement in my voice, as that would have made things worse! (Not amazed; definitely impressed!)
So, if dear friend reads this and was insulted, then I am truly sorry. That is not what I meant at all.
Sadly (and perhaps this should be a salutatory lesson to all us middle-agers), these slip ups have happened before (hopefully this is not an increasing trend!) - the friend who said she couldn't find anything to wear and feared she looked really frumpy and to whom I said "Yes ..." instead of "Nooo, you look great!", and worse, the work colleague who recently put herself down saying she probably wouldn't be able to help but to ask her my question anyway and to whom I replied, "No ..." (rude subtext: 'No you probably won't be able to help') !!!What was I thinking? Just noticed the common theme here, though ' ...'. These rudenesses creep up on you unawares when you are distracted - this morning it was looking out for Littlest running around with her school friends while chatting, the friend with the frumpy clothes caught me in a doorway when I was in a hurry, and the comment at work came in the middle of a particularly stressful morning.
Walking the dog is a good time to reflect on things and watching Four-Legged-Friend's rear-end swing from side to side, as he minces up the footpath, I reckon I have two options - either to keep my mouth shut at all times, never utter anything when my mind is not fully on the conversation, and avoid at all costs the ' ...' , or apologise every time it happens - I'm not normally so rude.
Lets hope, for the sake of my friends (if I have any left by the time I am old), that rudeness isn't genetically inherited; my Gran could, at times, be a pretty direct, fierce talking lady.
* I realise that compulsory is compulsory and you can't be a little bit compulsory or even fairly compulsory but I'm also fairly confident (!) that the headteacher was not going to hang anyone for treason if they failed to attend Harvest, but just that she really, really wanted everyone to be there. So fairly compulsory it is. Or rather, was.
No, instead this is something that I suspect we have all felt, that moment when you realise you have inadvertently insulted someone, failed to notice immediately and so failed to apologise, largely on the basis that it's too late now, the damage is done and to draw attention to it by saying sorry would only make it worse. And as a result, you wither, just a little, inside.
I did it to a dear friend, today! We were at school - yes, I know it's a Sunday, but it was also Harvest festival and attendance was fairly compulsory (*) - and during the coffee (you see, my memory even fails me ... it was wine, a largish glass of white; certainly too large for a Sunday morning - perhaps squiffiness is to blame for what happened next?) we were chatting about our sons and exams (i.e. the perennial subject of parents facing Upper Sixth and university applications, at this time of year, and offspring who have little idea of where they want to go, what they want to do and even littler idea of the big world out there just waiting to swallow them up). Specifically, we were discussing music theory exams and I commented that I thought Grade 8 was quite a tough qualification to achieve. Dear friend commented that she thought it wasn't to bad; she took it after all.
Now let me pause here - what was dear friend actually saying? Was she stating an honest fact - the exam indeed is not too hard? Was she trying, as nice friend's do, to reassure me that son would be fine? Or was she innocently (she is nice) putting herself down and equally innocently seeking a compliment? Whatever her motivation, I , in retrospect, got it wrong. Or at least, I think I got it wrong, as I didn't notice just how rude I had possibly been until later. I replied, "Oh! Oh, okay" and went on to talk some drivel about how I only managed to get Grade 1. And here is the origin of any misunderstanding: the quite wrong, unstated text to what I said could be 'Oh, okay, if you got it, then it can't be too hard!' And just in case that is what she thought, I later withered inside. What I should have said is "Wow! I'm impressed!" or some similar patting-on-the-back expression. But naturally and honestly avoiding any hint of amazement in my voice, as that would have made things worse! (Not amazed; definitely impressed!)
So, if dear friend reads this and was insulted, then I am truly sorry. That is not what I meant at all.
Sadly (and perhaps this should be a salutatory lesson to all us middle-agers), these slip ups have happened before (hopefully this is not an increasing trend!) - the friend who said she couldn't find anything to wear and feared she looked really frumpy and to whom I said "Yes ..." instead of "Nooo, you look great!", and worse, the work colleague who recently put herself down saying she probably wouldn't be able to help but to ask her my question anyway and to whom I replied, "No ..." (rude subtext: 'No you probably won't be able to help') !!!What was I thinking? Just noticed the common theme here, though ' ...'. These rudenesses creep up on you unawares when you are distracted - this morning it was looking out for Littlest running around with her school friends while chatting, the friend with the frumpy clothes caught me in a doorway when I was in a hurry, and the comment at work came in the middle of a particularly stressful morning.
Walking the dog is a good time to reflect on things and watching Four-Legged-Friend's rear-end swing from side to side, as he minces up the footpath, I reckon I have two options - either to keep my mouth shut at all times, never utter anything when my mind is not fully on the conversation, and avoid at all costs the ' ...' , or apologise every time it happens - I'm not normally so rude.
Lets hope, for the sake of my friends (if I have any left by the time I am old), that rudeness isn't genetically inherited; my Gran could, at times, be a pretty direct, fierce talking lady.
* I realise that compulsory is compulsory and you can't be a little bit compulsory or even fairly compulsory but I'm also fairly confident (!) that the headteacher was not going to hang anyone for treason if they failed to attend Harvest, but just that she really, really wanted everyone to be there. So fairly compulsory it is. Or rather, was.
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